FROM THE GIRL WHO FORGOT.

Hey there!! Sorry, I've been off the grid for a bit, > insert all questionable excuses here <. Jk, nah, in all honesty, I haven't really known what to say. I've been in the weirdest headspace and made a couple of seemingly substantial life decisions that I would love to share with you if you have the time. 

If you've been watching my sc stories over the past couple of weeks you may have picked up on the fact that things haven't been quite right. Honestly, they haven't been right for longer than I would care to admit. I thought that if I buried myself in work and uni that the mess would somehow disappear. Yet another lie I've been telling myself for longer than I would care to admit. Anyways the other day I made the decision to take a break from sc for the rest of the year at least. I told myself it was because Snapchat was turning me into the girl I really didn't want to be, but that's not entirely true. Yes, I haven't been myself for quite a while, but it wasn't Snapchats fault. (although may I take this moment to admit how freeing it is not having to have a heart attack because you're losing your streaks.. so freeing). Anyway, where was I?? Oh losing myself... 

If anything for a couple of seconds (years) there I forgot who I was. I spent so much of my time being the girl everyone wanted me to be. The slow girl, the ditzy blonde, the girl to laugh at, I got so so caught up in keeping everyone else happy that I unconsciously started living my life like it was something to laugh at, but I wasn't laughing. Is this what being an adult feels like?? I forgot the goals and dreams the little me used to plan. I began to think that the things I used to enjoy were really just vapid and superficial. Especially friendships. It becomes so much harder to connect with people when you barely have anything in common anymore. Is this the rest of my life??

A couple of days ago I was talking to my dad about the demise of my social life (such a depressing topic) and he was like "maybe you don't have that many friends because people find it hard to respect you." At the time I just rolled my eyes and thought that he didn't know what he was talking about... but later I was thinking about it and a little voice whispered to me "maybe people don't respect you because you don't respect yourself." 

And I had to take a step back and evaluate the amount of truth there is in that statement. I'd been so focused on keeping the peace that I gave up on trying to be proud of myself because I was so used to being the A-level disappointment. I turned into the ditzy blonde that everyone expected me to be and gave up on any thread of self-confidence I ever had.


I think that's what this year's been so great for. To just take a step back and absorb the fact that well actually I can do that. And maybe I can't do that now but I sure as hell can try to learn. In all the years that I've spent going around in circles trying to fulfill everyone else's goals, I've never felt as content as I do now. My confidence is still a spaz and I'm sure that I'll never stop completely second guessing myself out of everything, but for now, right here I'm happy and that's got to count for something? 

Yeah, so that's my little life update for you all. Now that I'm on holiday I'm hoping to be able to spend sometime refocussing this whole blog and turning it into what the original goal was :)
Hope you all have a fabulous week!!
Til next time,
XO lavinia